Going Through Stages

Sometimes it feels like I am completely alone in this world, but I’m about to feel even more alone as I will be on my way to London in just four days. Somehow I’m starting to feel okay with everything. Maybe I’ve just had enough time now to prepare myself mentally for this amazing journey I am about to embark on or… maybe not. I guess the real test will be when I’m standing in line at the airport, waving good-bye to my family and friends. The other possibility is that the realization hasn’t even hit me yet, but I feel oddly calm about leaving right now. Maybe I’ve gone through a process, you know, like the grieving process? The first stage is Denial followed by Anger, Depression, and lastly - Hope. Only in my case the stages were marked (1) Over-Excitement, (2) Untamed Uncertainty, (3) Depression, Stress, & Anxiety, and (4) Acceptance. If I have gone through some sort of process, I’ve definitely reached the last stage. Only now, I’ll go through another process – the process of culture shock! 

How strange it is that I will be the foreigner in a country that is completely foreign to me.

Can't Stop Partying

These days I don't get to see my family as much as I used to, so when I arrived at my parent's house on Saturday night, my brother, Ben, and I stayed up the whole night talking. We reminisced about our High School days for a long time, recalling both awesome and terrible memories from our youth. Then we picked up the old guitars and strummed a few tunes. All of the old songs brought back even more memories.

My brother and I used to jump in my car and drive to any random social gathering we could find, but the best part of it all was getting to spend some one on one time with him. Even though we lived together in the same house, we both had our own friends and our own extra curriculars to attend to. We didn't have a lot in common, but we both loved rock 'n roll and we both loved to party. The only time we really spent together were those car rides - singing "Can't Stop Partying" by Weezer at the top of our lungs - and confiding in the trust that we both had for each other. During those times, we told each other everything. We talked about our problems, complained about school, and shared our dreams. We swore we were going to make something out of ourselves.

My brother is graduating this spring, and next fall he'll be off to college. Although I'm moving to London for five months, I know the distance will never separate us. I can't believe how fast the time is going by. One second we're living on top of the world, and the next second reality comes crashing down on us and we start to realize that we have to grow up sometime or another. I'm just thankful that I have people to hold onto as I try to navigate this fantastic, ever-changing world. The bond that we share is truly a special thing, and I really believe that is one thing that will never change.

Finals Week

For a few days I had myself convinced that I didn’t really want to study abroad anymore. I think it was a combination of being stressed out because of finals and the prospect of seeing my family and realizing just how much I’m going to miss them when I’m gone. I went to visit my Mom to talk it over with her, and I started crying about everything that I wasn’t happy with in my life. The best piece of advice she gave me was that if I don’t do it, I’ll regret it. She told me that she wished she had taken more opportunities in her life. My brother was right there along with my mom. He told me to do it because I might not get another chance. He told me not to worry about possibly missing his graduation ceremony. He even joked about coming to visit me in London instead of attending his own ceremony. I told him that he better book his ticket right away! 

So, even after visiting with my family for a day, I still wasn’t completely decided on whether or not to go to London. It’s been running through my mind all day, and frankly, these thoughts are getting in the way of me studying for my accounting final this evening. I guess I’m still not completely sure this was the brightest idea I ever had, but my best friend recently told me that I need to “put some more spontaneity back into my life”.  I’m thinking that I should just suck it up, ace these last few finals I have, spend some quality time with my family and friends, and then take a leap of faith! I fear the unknown, but at the same time I’m exhilarated by it. I’ll be back in no time at all. I really do need to change something, and if escaping from my daily routine is that change, then so be it! The time is flying by, so London, I hope you’re ready for me!  

It's Still My Time

I just had a very nice conversation with a friend I met on a family cruise (go figure) to the Bahamas back in January of 2011. He asked me if I was in London already, and I told him that my departure date is January 4^th. (That’s in the event that the world doesn’t end on December 21 this year.) I wanted to know if he’d ever been to London because it seemed to me that he’d been to a lot of places. In fact the whole conversation started because I “liked” a picture of him on Facebook that was taken in Scotland! This friend of mine told me that no, he hadn’t been to London before, but that on a scale of 1-10 his jealousy was a 9. I laughed! I just assumed that he’d been there already.  

After some conventional reminiscing about our past endeavors, this friend asked me what I would be studying while in London.  I told him “Business Administration with an emphasis in Marketing & Sales”. Then he asked me another question. He wanted to know what I planned to do with my degree. I gave him an honest answer. I told him that I wasn’t really sure, that I didn’t know what I wanted to do yet. I mentioned the idea of starting my own business, but then he wanted to know what kind of business. So I told him about an idea that my brother and I had of going into a partnership and starting some type of game development company. I then went on to say that the idea was still up in the air, and that I’d probably just end up working for some asshole like everyone else. 

 My friend surprised me by saying “So you have a predetermined notion that you’re going to be working for an asshole?” After he said that, it made me realize that I do have that predetermined notion. Everyone I know complains about their jobs. I just assumed that working for an asshole was typically part of life. I’ve already had my share of rotten bosses and I’m not looking forward to more of them – not to mention coworkers. Something about this realization triggered unhappy thoughts. I remember the day that I graduated high school I felt like the whole world was at my feet. I felt like doors were finally opening. I could be anything I wanted to be, or do anything I wanted to do with my life! I remember feeling like it was my time. 

In all the hustle and bustle of a being a full time student with exams and job interviews jamming my schedule, I have somehow forgotten that this is still my time. It used to be all about proving myself to other people, but now I’ve had a change in attitude. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. This time around I’m doing it for me. 

As the conversation progressed, my friend said something else to me. He told me a story. He said “When I was 12 years old I met this guy who must have been at least 90. He told me something I still haven’t forgotten. He said ‘Son, do what makes you happy, and allow others to be happy. Don’t do something because somebody told you to do it, unless that person is you.’ That guy fell off a train drunk, but his words are no less true.” 

There is definitely some meaning behind those words. If you’re happy, then that’s all that matters. The people around you will begin to feel the same way. I told my friend that the trouble is finding that one thing that makes you happy, and I also told him that I’ve got some more living to do. He replied “I think everyone does.”   

That being said, I got a little excited about London today. I think it's the fact that it was completely my choice (aside from the university accepting me) and also the fact that I listened to my heart instead of my head. Sometimes it's okay to do that. All in all, traveling makes me happy so I'm doing it! I may never fully decide what I really want to do with my life, but for now I'm content. And that's what really matters. 

-D  

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Shit just got real, maybe even too real. I purchased my round trip ticket for London today. I’ll be departing from Minneapolis, MN on January 4, 2013. I’ll admit it. I’m really starting to get scared. The thought of being in another country is exciting, but the fact that I won’t know anyone when I first arrive is hard to deal with. Everything is going to be new to me. I grew up in a small town in Wisconsin. My graduating class had a total of 40 students. Now I’m moving to a city with a population of over 8,000,000 people. Talk about a paradigm shift! It’s going to be a whole new world. Five months is a long time for me to be away from everything I know. On top of that, I won’t get to see my family or my boyfriend accept via Skype. The butterflies in my stomach are fluttering around so fast right now that it makes me want to upchuck. Also, the thought of not being able to hug my boyfriend for five months makes me want to cry. In reality five months isn’t that much time, but right now it seems like a lifetime. After I get over the culture shock though, the time will probably fly by faster than I want it to. After all, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I had to take. I’ve lived most of my life believing that you need to make the most out of everything, take every chance you get, and never let your fears get in the way. If I back down now, it would go against everything I stand for. I’m scared, but I’m also shaking with excitement. The adrenaline erupting through my veins is inexorable. I’m finishing up with my fall semester in a couple weeks here and then it’s Christmas in the states. I’ll be on a plane to London in no time at all. Frankly, I’m less worried about my finals and more worried about having a heart attack. Some very disappointing information I found out today is that the schedule for spring finals isn’t going to come out until February, so I ended up purchasing my ticket to depart from London on the 25^th of May. I might not be able to see my little brother graduate from high school. I’ll be able to find out more at a later date though. There is still a possibility of changing my departure to an earlier date in the event that I don’t have any finals from the 23^rd to the 25^th. *Crossing fingers.* Another downside to this equation is the fact that I just blew over $2,000 on a plane ticket, but I'm hoping it will all be worth it. After all, “Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer.”  I'm just going to keep a positive attitude and remember why I decided to study abroad in the first place. This is going to be an amazing experience for me, and I can't wait to find out what it's like on the other side of the world. I'll keep you posted.

-D